Process

Well, Now it is February and I look back at what I wrote about beginning a New Year. I think about the process that is taking place in my life as I continue to pursue peace, joy, the abiding presence, listening, a new level of freedom, a new dimension of truth defined.
I am not looking at progress, rather the process. I am trying to be more mindful of the present moment, what it presents and represents. I am aware of moments of complete brilliance as my children live, relate, learn, grow. The brilliance that only children can illuminate with their sense of wonder and awe. The complete reckless abandon of living in the moment of now. The utmost joy to the devastation of disappointment, and learning how to recover and join once again into the heartbeat of life as it continues on.
If the only question I am asked at the end of my life can be answered with an assured and strong "yes", I will have lived my life with no regrets. The question I strive to fulfill is "Have you learned to love?" It's the process of learning to love, learning to accept love, learning to allow the healing necessary to the areas that inhibit loves flowing freely, between heart, mind, soul, and spirit. The "Process" continues, the journey fulfilling if only we stop to learn about the moment of now.

January 1, 2009-Happy New Year

Well, how do you start a new year? There certainly is a lot going on in the lives of people around us, some triumphs, some struggles, some have resorted to resentment, some have let go of the outcomes, some have grown weary, some welcome the New Year with a shout, some with a sigh of relief. Whatever it is for you or I, the New Year still comes and goes, as time does. It never stops, it just keeps creeping forward, whether we are ready for it or not.

So here are some of the resolutions for 2009 for myself.
1. Speak less, listen more, make sure the words I am speaking will build life, not tear it down.
2. Be Aware of God, more often, not perfection, just progress, this is everchanging in my life.
3. Discover True Peace and Joy which can only come from spending more time with the creator of both
4. Trust God more than I trust anything else, including myself and just doing things my own way.

Now how I will do this, I don't know exactly yet all of the variables. Yet spending time with God on an ongoing intentional basis will be a good start. Learning to keep my mouth shut and living the proverbial saying, "I you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all." Also, Learning to listen without my agenda waiting to announce my thoughts on a situation. Listening for the sake of listening.

Thankfulness

I am Thankful for many different reasons this year. The one that comes to mind that bores a hole so close to my heart is for health. Health of my family. I know a grandma who just yesterday was in Portland with her 3 year old granddaughter getting a bone marrow transplant along with some stem cells. They found out she was sick towards the beginning of fall. My heart breaks for this family and this little person. It so easily could be any one of us going through what anyone else is going through. So pray for Annie when you are thankful for health this week. Also pray for Cathy, she is my nephews mom and she has stage four Melanoma. My nephew is 18, his younger brother 10. This may be the last thanksgiving with their mom.
Be thankful for Family. No matter what the differences, no matter what words have been spoken that have been hurtful, be thankful you have family.
Life is too short to live with hurt, bitterness, and regrets in our life.
Be thankful this Thanksgiving and beyond.

Shifting

Do you ever find it difficult to get the words out, to explain how you feel on the inside, how you are experiencing the world on the outside, and yet are finding the words not adequate to bring understanding?

I have been at a loss for words to describe the internal shifting that is occurring in my life. I am learning to be silent longer, speak less quickly, and try to understand the unspoken. Sometimes its hard.

So I try to keep the main things the main things, perspective outside of my own little world and bring in the larger picture, to better understand me, my experiences, and the choices I make.

Isn't there really more to this life than living and dying? Does everyone have an internal pressing drive to make a difference in a world that seems to get worse and worse everyday.

There are over 143 million orphans in the world. That bothers me on a lot of different levels. Each of those 143 million, are a person, a life, some of them forgotten, left to navigate the world on their own. Others may be brought into orphanages.

I joined some people who want to make a difference. Amani Life Project. Extend your heart, your passion to make this life something worth living for to someone who may not feel they have much to live for. This is something we all have in common, Knowing Hurt and having Dreams.

The Echoes of Familiar Voices

Have you ever just sat and listened, in the moment without contributing your own thoughts or spoken words for that matter. Is it eavesdropping? I don't know, I guess that all depends on the moment and the information, and the motivation behind listening in. Right now, I am listening to the banter of communication between the three boys in my family. The dad voice that is ever explaining and guiding, creatively defining in different terms so that there is mutual understanding. The ever present questioning of "why things are the way they are and how we know the things we know." I think the most difficult things to put into words are those things we're not really sure of the history or origin of understanding, just more of the "I know that I know because I know" kind of explanations. You know in your knower. Yet that isn't really clear, more vague and subjective, not linear and fact based.
That's how it seems to be even more as I learn to live as God as my guide. I know what I've experienced, I know what I know about God based on my relationship with Him. I know God through others telling me of their experiences and it resonating with a resounding, "I know what your talking about" from deep within. Then I guess there are more tangibles yet still subjective, the feelings of peace, love, calm, love, forgiveness, self-control, patience. It's more apparent when I experience these things when everything from my past experience has felt and acted otherwise, when typically it isn't my habit to feel the aforementioned feelings in a given type of circumstance, yet it comes in like God has pushed the override button, and shown me His ability from within me to respond differently. It's amazing when it happens,, makes you want to shake your head back and forth and smile. God is faithful to transform us from the inside out. It's a good day when there is a little bit more of God shining through with His love and compassion, His justice and mercy, than my way of living in the moment even with my best intentions.
So i am taking time to listen, for the familiar voice of My Father in Heaven to guide me into truth and be led with His intention and heart in our difficult world. So take the time to listen, to eavesdrop on God.

Family Hikes

Thankful for My Family

It is times like to tonight and actually every night that Jason is out of town or not home when the boys go to bed that I am thankful that he will be back again to tuck them in and spend more time with him. Cole seems to be the most affected when his daddy isn't there when he goes to sleep. He begins to cry, he genuinely misses his daddy. I remember not too long ago that I wondered in the back of my mind when one of these moments would happen, "What would I do to comfort my little boys if their daddy wasn't coming back to raise them and watch them grow." A little over two years ago now, Jason underwent open hear surgery, and the thought in the back of everyone's mind at the time was, "Will he wake up again to watch his boys grow up, grow old and ornery with his wife, and continue to be the fantastic son, brother, uncle, and friend that he is to so many." I am reminded at night when I can hear his heart valve clicking that it truly is an extended gift from God for him to be alive, living, breathing, and sharing his life with us. One of my greatest fears at that time was that I would be a young widow with two young babies 3 years and younger. I wrestled with God over this issue for months prior to his surgery. The memories of certain moments during the time leading up to surgery, the look on his face when we left him in the pre-op room, and watching his body being taken into the intensive care unit. Some I would never want to re-live and re-feel. The one thing I will never tire of feeling was the tangible presence of God, a loving God wrapping me with intense peace that was truly a feeling that surpassed all understanding. I thank God daily for my family, my husband, my kids, and our life which is truly blessed. It is difficult to live in the present moment with the truly important things kept in perspective at all times. I thank my God for giving me His Peace and His Love to understand the true purposes of the present moment. Here's to living with an eternal perspective of the present moments. I am glad that Cole and Spencer have a relationship with their earthly daddy as well as their heavenly father.

Listening to the Unspoken Words

They say that over 75% of communication is nonverbal, which means body language, gestures, tone of voice, facial expressions, and often just the unspoken words.
I have been trying to Be Slow to Speak, Listen More Closely, and Open my ears to try to understand the unspoken. It is really difficult, speculating, guessing, wondering what would be said if for some reason it could.
Listening without trying to come up with my two sense to add to the conversation is something I am trying to make a conscious effort to do. What are the unspoken words that others are often communicating without the spoken words. If I don't learn to wait, watch, and listen to my inner Holy Spirit, I often don't have a clue. I am learning to ask God to reveal to me how to listen with a compassionate heart, to look beyond what is directly in front of me, and uncover the mystery of the unspoken words.
I encourage you all to ask God, How can I be more aware of the treasure being communicated in between the spoken words.